Telling Dreams, You tell me
This post is in direct response to Soon after my husband and I started dating, I began to have disturbing dreams. They began after the first I love yous. In the dreams, I knew I loved Mr. Hall, but I purposefully cheated on him with a nameless man. They were horrible dreams.They made me heart sick while I dreamt. After, I felt even worse.
When I woke up, I would feel a gigantic sandbag pressing down on me. It weighed about 300 lbs. It was heavy on my head, heart and belly. When I got up, I felt leaden and stiff. The sandbag was stitched to my skin, smarting as I moved. Throughout the day, I would shake out the sand. Little by little, grain by grain, the sinking feeling would go away. This would take most of the morning and into the afternoon. The actual sandbags took a few days to fall off.
These dreams were devastating. I swear they were just torture devices designed by someone I had wronged in a past life. Specifically targeted to slowly gut me.
I had them about once a month for eight years.
The worst part was that I had no idea what they were really about. My marriage to Mr. Hall is a most awesome marriage. He is my everything; as I am his. We are blessed with two children and he is the best Dad. I would jump off a ten story building before I would cheat on him. The only conceivable way I would cheat on him is if I got a monster brain tumor and I was irrevocably changed into another person. Even then, I would fight it until I bled.
Thus, not only where these dreams complete nightmares, they also made no sense.
I have cheated before. Before I met Mr. Hall. It all but destroyed the guy. It destroyed us anyway. I was too young and immature to understand the rules of monogamy. To understand I can hurt people very badly. I did love him though. I would have married him if he would have asked.
The cheating dreams revved up as I began to lose weight. Part of the problem is that I was reaching out beyond my comfort zone. I was making friends on purpose and accepting invitations. And the tipping point was when I accepted Ted’s friendship.
For anyone who has every encountered me, they come away knowing at least one thing: I am happily married with two kids. Even if they don’t know what my name really is, they know that. I work this bit of bio within the first two minutes of every conversation. The first thirty seconds with any guy. I flash the ring, I introduce myself as a simple wife and mother. There is no mistaking my marital status.
I use it as armor.
But this man, Ted, he was very like me. We shared a lot of interests, namely art. We formed a platonic relationship. One day, someone asked me if I was attracted to him. In all honesty, No, I was not. But that night, the dream returned with vengeance.
Near the end, while I starting to feel the sinking feeling, but before the physical cheating, I made it stop. By sheer force of will, I stopped the dream and spoke to my subconscious. Actually, I sort of yelled at it. All while dreaming.
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING? WHAT ARE THESE DREAMS ABOUT? STOP IT!!! I DON’T WANT TO WAKE UP LIKE THIS AGAIN!!!
For the next hour and a half I spoke, very silently, to my subconscious. I stared down the unseen. Playing chicken. She flinched first and fessed up. When I woke, I was then fully aware of what these dreams meant. And they were gone. Haven't had one since.
Before I tell you, can you tell me?
7 comments:
Fear of failure. Not of cheating per sae, but of being week and not living up to your standards.
Similar to those folks that study and study for a test until they have the book memorized, and then freeze up and fail the exam.
But then again, you are the psychiatric nurse, what the hell do I know? Isn't this like a 2nd grader discussing atomic theory with Albert Einstein?
Bruce:
Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner actually...
Ironic that this dream was happening to me, me with the big title up there, and me not figuring it out for soooo long.
I will reveal the answer tomorrow.
You are on the right path.
:)
Mrs. Hall
ooooooh the suspense. i am also blissfully married and am also occassionally plagued with a similar dream. I think that it is a fear of losing that which is most important to me. Cheating on my man is something i would never be able to forgive myself for. It is the worst thing i could ever do. And it would rob our relationship of its innocence in a way. forever. even if we worked through it, something would be lost. I think the dream is a fear of losing all you hold dear. BUT you were meant to post your answer already yesterday!!
DING DING DING!!
Caz wins the prize for knowing EXACTLY what the dream is about.
DOWN TO THE LETTER!
I think she knows because she has the same dream.
Well, Caz, you tell your subconcious to shut the heck up!
Will post the answer officially later.
:)
Thanks for playing
Mrs. Hall
Obviously I am way too late for this one but that was an awesome post. You will most likely never see this as Mrs. Hall doesn't seem the type to go back and look at old posts; she probably has more important things to do.
James, it's never "too late" to visit or comment on Bonez posts. Holly Hall is indeed a very busy woman juggling children, home and a intense career so her responses to older posts may be a tad on the slow side, at times. Hang in there and check "e-mail followup" for notifications of additional comments and responses from the authors.
Thank you for visiting Bonez!
Yeah, wrapping this up will require an post of it's own.
Should be done soon.
:)
Mrs. Hall
Post a Comment