Climbing Up The Mountain

Posted by Mrs. Holly Hall

Illustration by NotKeith (c) 2008
One day I said to myself, Miss Gobsmack, what the hell are you doing? What do you really want in this life?

Around this time, I was dating a guy. I will call him OneofapileoflosersIhavedated. One for short. Our courtship followed a familiar pattern. Rush of love, crazy happiness, ceasing the separate time, loser tendencies start to appear, I begin to make excuses for the loser tendencies and things go on for a while because I am a romantic and love love. But loving love does not stop being dumped.

After that, I saw him more time to get my things. We started kissing and groping. We starting doing what you are not suppose to do after a breakup. The backslide as it were. Whilst in the middle of things, my thoughts started to talk. They said, "I love him so much, but he doesn't love me." This began to play on a loop, over and over again. With each play, their volume increased. My head got unbearably buzzy. My mouth got twitchy. Then I was verbalizing the thought. Out loud. Suddenly I was sobbing.

It was horrible, this moment. It was true though, I did love him so much. And he didn't love me. One was typical of the guys I chose. He had a shitty car that he had to fill with oil every time he got gas. At least he had a car though. I was usually the driver in my relationships. Me in my rusty '89 Datsun.

Also typical was his job. One was a busboy. Miss Gobsmack was a waitress, but I was going to school to become a nurse. One had zero plans. Other typical features in the pile of losers: an obsession with video games, smoking a pack a day from my packs and Japanese animation. And yes, he was a musician and an artist. This was my dating M.O.

They were unripe man-children. All whiny and selfish. Some of them were really mean. Some had active substance abuse issues. One would be the last. I knew it then, whilst in the middle of things. It was time to for me to grow up. So I cried some more.

Then I switched gears completely. I dated business majors and guys with short hair. Man, that was boring. But, there was no going back. I was no longer going to strap any man to my back as I climbed up the mountain.