Thursday, April 17, 2008

A Wrap Up of the Democratic Debates

AMERICA!!!!  FUCK YEAH!!!!!Expectations were high and tensions higher at the Pennsylvania Democratic Debate, as Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama squared off in what is likely to be the last face to face meeting of the candidates prior to the American citizens picking their nominee for the Democratic Party.

Both candidates have had their share of scandal of late, from mistaken Bosnian memories displayed by Mrs. Clinton to the association of Mr. Obama with the Rev. Wright, a fiery preacher who has been both friend and confidante for many years.

Eager to recapture a strong lead in these final days, both candidates are striving to win the favor of the American public at large, hoping to become the final nominee and enter the final race for the highest office in the land.

However, the American political climate has shifted over the past few years and the candidates have to contend with the popular perception that the Democratic Party has undergone a massive swing to the left, leaving both candidates branded, at best, communists and at worst, liberals.

Another key factor in this race has been the loyalty and allegiance of the nominees to American values and the overall strength of their patriotism. Many on the right have called into question whether these final two contenders love their country nearly as much as their Republican opponent.

So it came as little to no surprise when Senator Obama took the stage in a red, white and blue suit, with an American flag tie, bearing no less than 200 lapel pins in the shape of a flag. Atop his head he wore a stovepipe hat festooned with a crucifix, the little statue of Jesus holding flags in each hand. He had also apparently rigged an electronic device into his sleeves so that every time he adjusted his tie, the strains of "God Bless America" thundered from his collar while a miniature fireworks show erupted from the top of his hat.

Senator Clinton, on the other hand, came dressed as the Statue of Liberty, followed on stage by Lee Greenwood who would break into the chorus of "Proud to be an American" every time she held aloft her torch, while a choir of underpriviledged Latino children would take to the stage with cheers of "Viva America!"

After having taken the stage, the debate was well and truly started, and both Senators had to field tough questions pertinent to the election season, the state of American politics and their plans for the future, should they win election.

The questions flew fast and furious, honed to perfection in order to cut through the chaff and get to the important underlying issues.

"Senator Clinton, as a liberal, why do you demand that fetuses be ripped from unsuspecting mothers in order that we may use their blood to oil the machinery of the state?"

In an exciting display of showmanship, upon reaching the word liberal, videos started playing on the rear screens of kittens being doused with benzyne and set ablaze, while recordings of Vincent Price's evil laughter from Thriller played in a loop.

"Senator Obama, upon reviewing your record and countless interviews with you, it is readily apparent that not once have you stated that should you become President, you have no intention of raping every white woman in America. What is your response to this shocking revelation?"

"Senator Clinton, it has come to our attention that at the age of 13 you once passed a man in a park handing out pro-Castro literature. Should the American people be concerned at the close ties you established in that 18 second period of your life, and what can you do right now to demonstrate loyalty to Old Glory?"

"Senator Obama, you have stated a desire to pull the American military out of Iraq in stages. Explain to the American people why you hate our troops and why you feel Al Qaeda has "so obviously" bested our forces?"

The candidates soldiered on as best they could, attempting to provide answers to these important issues. Senator Clinton's attempts involved answering in three to four word bursts while pausing to fellate a man dressed as Uncle Sam, while Obama answered at least one of his questions while the animatronically articulated corpse of James Brown sang "Living in America".

Unfortunately, even with their best efforts put forward, neither candidate could shake America's perception that they did, in fact, hate their country and instead wished for the swift and total victory of Al Qaeda over our troops.

It would appear after this final debate that despite the best efforts of the Media Matters Ultra Left Wing Liberal Conspiracy Media©, the anti-American homo-liberal communist wing of the Democrat political party has no chance against the wholesome benevolence that is John McCain.

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